It alllllll started on Valentine’s Day. Well, technically it all started on my friends birthday about 3 or 4 years ago. I met him on a train. I must have this way about me on trains because I pick up more men on the LIRR and MTA than I ever have on bumble or at a bar.

I was clearly distressed. I don’t remember why I was so upset but obviously it was not significant.

(Imagine a packed out train at 1:45 AM

Saturday night into Sunday morning)

Me: (sad panic distress face)

Train guy #3: Hey, do you want to sit down?

Train guy #3 could best be described as Ashton Kutcher got a dad bod and glasses.

Train guy #3 would turn out to be kinda a scumbag who only sends dick pics/ hounds me for nudes. But the night I met him he was exactly what I needed. (A sweet guy who was nice to me for absolutely no reason and made feel pretty without being a total perv)

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day 2019.

I add him on Instagram.

Two weeks later he adds me on snapchat.

We FaceTimed for like 30 min before I hung up on him. At first he was being normal. I gave him a tour of my apartment. He told me about him job. We started talking about couch sizes which somehow started getting sexy?

Him: Can I show you my dick?

Me: No thank you lol I’m not ready.

Him: Haven’t you seen it before?

Me: yeah but i don’t wanna see it now.

Him: okay, I’ll save it for this weekend.

(This isn’t word for word because our convo was on Snapchat.)

Honestly, all of his behavior makes me think he has a girlfriend.

Me: … do you have a girlfriend ?

Him: No, do you ?

Me: I don’t have a girlfriend.

Him: you know what I mean …

My best friend/nemesis pointed out that I need to stop wasting my good jokes on these losers. And he/she is right.

Him: So, what do you want me to do to you?

(I honestly hate this question.

How dare you put me on the spot like that ?

I am a woman dammit.

I never know what I want.

Have you seen me try to pick a place for dinner ???

It’s like you want the mood to be killed.

So obviously I had to fuck with him. )

Me : I like cuddling and snuggling all night.

Me: oh and I like kissing. Like a lot of kissing.

Him: okay I’m down for the first part but idk about kissing. I’m just not that into it honestly.

Me: you don’t … wait what?

So naturally I said

Me: I’ve never heard of this before lol

Him: sorry I just don’t like it. I mean I’ll do it for you but it’s reallly not my thing.

Me: so like. Are you a serial killer?

Me: are you going to murder me ??

Him: just that pussy.

How would you initiate sex if you don’t kiss ???

Do you just grab each other’s crotches and let the good times roll??? I’m so confused.

Needless to say, Train guy #3 will not be getting a call back for his audition.

What I learned:

1. Digital Get Down by *NSYNC is my sexting theme song.

2. Guys on trains are only after one thing.

3. Do not fuck someone who doesn’t understand the audacity of your hilarious ness.

4. Tell everyone about how much you like making out to avoid serial killers.

5. If he doesn’t mention food, he’s not the one.

Xoxoxo Love Ya

P.S.S. Do you guys want to hear the origin stories of Train Guys #1 #2 & #4?