I regret to inform you that Pete Davidson did not get me pregnant last night. Not only did we not make skin contact. We barely made eye contact. It was a dark comedy club. What do you want from me?

But we did breath the same air. So, I was vibing with the PDE. (Pete Davidson Energy) If you are not familiar thats a play on BDE which is Big Dick Energy. Which Ariana Grande invented to describe Pete Davidson’s soul. Which if you’re in the same room with him makes all the sense in the world.

Now… to the main event. AKA what most people were asking about.

Pete makes everyone lock up their phone. Which is understandable because these days people really do violate comedians. I am very over protective with my comedians. In my personal opinion people are way too sensitive over what comedians say when their only job is to use their life experiences and insight and put a comical spin on it. If your panties are gonna get in a bunch about that… perhaps comedy is not for you (you fucking demon).

Next stop, Pete’s friends warm up the audience. The show is usually called “Pete Davison and friends” I prayed to the donut and ice cream gods that John Mulaney would be there. He was at the show from the night before from my instagram sources and the knowledgeable girl who was sitting next to me and my friend. She had an unhealthy amount of information about EVERYTHING. SNL information. Other Comedian information. I was v drunk. But she was saying things like “I can’t believe Pete is out doing stand-up on a Tuesday night, its a big writing night at SNL”. So, I could tell she knew her shit.

While John Mulaneys was not there.. Ricky Velez WAS THERE. And it was great. He told a joke from 2013 or 2015 but I love him so I let it slide.

I love Ricky so much I had a dream about him last night. It was not a sexy dream. It was a dream that me and him were getting high in my modern day living room and watching Looney Toons. He said something along the lines of, “Pass the Cheesy Puffs.” Ricky Velez is a married man with a baby. So my subconscious knew he was off limits and all I needed in my dream was a friend. How sad. My dreams used to be like sexy pizza guys and weird dreams about my co-workers. Who have I become?

The other acts were really funny. One guy got fired from SNL and told us what Donald Trump was really like. One guy … I really don’t remember past that. Like I said before I had 3 or 4 Tom Collins at this point … So, you could say things were going really well.

Finally, Pete Davidson comes on stage. He was standing in a back hallway watching the other comedians and I was watching him watch them. Probably why I couldn’t tell you about all the other comedians. As soon as he was in my field of vision…

I was a hawk and he was my field mouse. Ugh I love him so much. Sorry for being creepy.  But I imagine this is how normal girls felt about Justin Timberlake in the early 2000’s. I never really understood that until later on in life. Ramen noodle and crue cuts don’t really do it for me.

Pete was hilarious. He always makes jokes about his dad who passed away on 9/11. Its kinda his signature. He made a joke about a fan pretending to be disabled and how he’s paranoid that all disabled people are trying to trick him.

His alias is Roger Doritos. This could be made up. But I love using Doritos to bread things so drunk me was reaaaaaally starting to feel connected to him more than usual.

Pete also made a joke that the BDE has been a curse for him. He made a friend look at his dick and apparently it’s above average. He also noted that Ariana Grande is so tiny that anything in her hands would appear to be large. To that I say…

“I’ll be the judge of that…” (Please god, let me be the judge of that)

Long story short. I love him in all of his offensive glory. He’s my dream boy.
I really do hope he finds happiness. Sorry for being cheesy but when you love someone you genuinely just want them to be happy. And technically, Pete Davidson has not freind-zoned me so I might still have a chance.

Tell your friends.(That I’m still hungover 24 Hours later)