I’m going to see Pete Davidson tomorrow night and if I don’t wake up pregnant Wednesday morning I will be very disappointed. (understatement of the year)

(This dying alone blog brought to you by the Netflix show “You”)

I am honestly so sick of swiping along these gross dating sites when the fact of the matter is I would never actually meet any of these guys.Remember the good old days when a guy would send you a drink at a bar and you didn’t get murdered at the end of the night? (Unless he was consensually murdering your vagina?) And you were so grateful for one glorious night you thought you found a decent human being?

And your friends are trying to be so supportive and tell you “you can do better”. But they have to say that garbage. When’s the last time your friend ever said … “you need to grovel, Have you seen his hairline & work ethic??? You will never find that shit again . ITS 2019 AFTER ALL”

Sometimes they’re right though. It would be nice if Pete Davidson was creepily obsessed with me and stole my underwear. And jerked off outside my bedroom window. And looked through my text messages desperately hoping he was the only one in my phone.

But in reality, its never cool unless it was Pete Davidson or some guy you were really into . And usually the guys you want to stalk you don’t care about anything except big booty hoes and ignoring my text messages about this new taco spot I’ve been meaning to try.

You wish God would send you someone else. Someone who reminds you of who you want but better. The perfect person. Someone who wants to spend time with you all the time. But they’re  not always available to see you because they spend alot of their time stalking you. They like all the same foods as you but they’re also Digestively adventurous. They make your heart race but you also feel very safe. But also has Pete Davidson’s BDE. But like Pete Davidson, the BDE is not the coming attraction. (Cumming Attraction AHAHAHAHA I had to.  AND I AINT SOORRRY NEITHER)

(Pete Davidson, if you are ever to be reading this… Im really only good at making appetizers.)

Anyways. I don’t understand why intercourse participants don’t want it all the time. & this is not just an issue I’ve seen in the past but something a few of my friends, co-workers, and even strangers I’ve met in the bathroom are running into. Should I make you sign an NDA (No Dick Again Agreement so I know that you’re gone).

Do I sound clingy? I don’t think I’m a clingy person.
Ive never really been needy unless.. Actually I really can’t even think of a time.

I just hate dating apps and its too cold to meet someone at a bar. And I just want to talk to someone about aliens and ghosts but also ruin me for other men and potentially women who look like men. Because if you’re tall and your voice is deep enough… Well yah know.

Part of me also thinks all the good ones are taken and married and I Should just wait 5-10 years for everyone to get divorced. 5 years seems like a good time window to build hatred for someone and contemplate murder until finally you hire a lawyer. (This is the level of boredom and dating laziness I have reached)

Also, another reason why men on dating apps are so unappealing are guys are often times bad at social media and it isn’t cute. Like guys (people in general but for the purpose of my own personal dating app experience)  that post selfies are gross. If I see a guy who posts one or more selfies on his profile. NO MATTER HOW SMOKIN HOT HE IS. And a lot of the time. Selfie dudes are smoldering hot because they know they’re hot and they want you to know that they know that they’re hot. WHY?  I aint blind I see your cheek bones and the natural wave in your hair. IT AINT A SECERT HOMIE.

I think knowing your hot isn’t hot.

Its okay to have self confidence but too much of it like ruins a person.

Thats why I like comedians for the most part.
Guys who are funny but a little emotionally damaged is my sweet spot.

Ill take Pete Davidson & Neal Brennan any day over these self obsessed Bumble-fuckers.

So, If you are funny & emotionally damaged (or you are Pete Davidson, Neal Brennan, or Bo Burnham) I like Malbecs & Tom Collins. I sit in dark corners. And I will order nachos and laugh at all your jokes.

Stay tuned I will post about how amazing Pete Davidson was.