My antidepressants for the past 2-3 weeks have been butter & cheese. I’m overwhelmed. I have too much on my plate. And not in the good way, like when you order an appetizer sampler.

Moving halfway across the Island hasn’t been as easy as it was exciting. One could say I bit off more than I could chew… (really? More food metaphors?) I have so much going on and I don’t even know where to begin. My house is a mess and it’s giving me anxiety and I hate it.

Is my OCD just getting in the way of everything? Yes. I have a vision in my brain and I need everything to be perfect.

I just want to have my cake and eat it too.

Sometimes I forget to breathe. But then I look into the endless ocean outside my window. Endless. Like the possibilities I have that others don’t. I try to fit gratitude into my day everyday with a little bit of kindness. And I usually will fit humor into it too.

This afternoon I went for a slice of pizza. I sat alone at a large table because there were no other seats (12:45pm & crowded). An older couple maybe mid 40’s look around the room squinting looking for a seat. I grabbed the wife’s attention and told her these seats across from me were free. Grateful- they sat down. I didn’t realize I did this until it was too late but whilst I was sinking my teeth into the lemony perfection that was my Chicken francese- I was deeply locking eyes with the couple while I was eating. (I was on auto pilot and thinking of other things.) I didn’t even notice I was doing this til the 4th or 5th bite. I probably looked like a serial killer.

Here I am trying to be semi kind. And I still find ways to look like a weird idiot enjoying buttery cheesy deliciousness.

What is the lesson?

Finding little hilarious awkwardness makes my life worth living.

Showing people an ounce of kindness is more rewarding than anything. I feel like for a long time. Before my dad passed away but maybe after I filed a restraining order I had shut myself off of people.

Perhaps that’s were I needed to be. In the darkness. Keeping my thoughts to myself. Staying away from the sunlight and only coming alive at night.

But I think it’s time for a little vitamin D in my life. And for once Vitamin D is not a metaphor for a dick appointment or shower sex.

I just want to feel alive and experience life again.

(Ps I made out with someone for 45 minutes the other night because he tasted like garlic bread and I was STAAAARVING. )