The day after Christmas I signed the papers and got the keys to my new house. There are times when I feel happy and accomplished. And there are even more times where I feel like Austin Powers when his dad wasn’t at his spy school graduation.

I can’t find anything to gratify me emotionally.

Sometimes I think I’m just looking in the wrong places…

Sometimes I will blame other people for being depressed. Which is fucked up. But at least I’m being honest. I can’t help myself when my soul and heart goes into these dark places. I really have no one to blame except myself.

People will try to say uplifting things to me all the time. Which I don’t care for. Mostly because I never think of anything nice to say to people.

Although for 2019 I’m trying to be nicer to people. ( I know I said that in like 2016 but I think now I have some life experience to enforce this kind of behavior.) This morning I complimented an old lady’s purse because it had a really pretty floral print on it. And for a second I got such a high from being nice to her when what I really wanted to say to her was “Hey Lady, are you ordering for the whole retirement home ?????” But I chose to be kind and she smiled and it was semi rewarding.

But I can’t just go around complimenting people all day.

Then there’s always the intercourse. I should know better by now that sex is just a quick fix. I should have gotten those iron underwear that you need a key or a secret code to.

I guess my question is why do I have zero self control just because I am sad.

I would like to be like this in 2019:

But I always end up being like this :

And a little bit like this :

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

Ideally, my life would be like that Dr. Evil sex scene (that I can’t find any pictures to because I guess it was too hilarious??)

I guess I am sick of being disappointed and all the ones who wouldn’t disappoint me are uninteresting. So I either need to live with being disappointed or learn to be boring.

Xoxo

Going to find someone to murder me at the bar down the road

(You can interpret that however you like)