There are days where I am mostly okay. I can get up and be productive and eat and go outside. Basically, I can do anything a regular human can do. But then there are weeks like this week. Where amazing and positive things keep happening to me. And when it hits me, the positivity just slides right off of me and I don’t absorb anything I should.  
 
2019 should be a wonderful year for me (On paper). 
 
I’m moving & starting a new life on December 27th-ish. I’m not even excited about it. Obviously, initially I was so excited. But the more time passes it becomes the drive of my anxiety and depression. 
And I have literally done nothing to prepare for my move. 
 
I’m so much more sensitive right now. 
Sometimes I’ll cry if I watch something really sad on the news. 
 
Sometimes, I’ll get angry at myself for being so fortunate and ungrateful. 
Like how can you be sad you stupid moron. There are starving people out there who have nothing. 
 
Sometimes I’ll just masterbate to feel better. And then I think, “Maybe if I have sex with someone who isn’t me… I’ll feel better?” 
 
And there are guys that text me to hangout and its temping. But some of them have girlfriends and some of them nothing will grow and some of them are just emotionally unavailable.  
 
I just want to have sex morning, noon, and night, eat cool foods and talk about aliens. 
 
And I thought to myself…. maybe I’m not really finding what I’m looking for because I’m not putting myself out there because of the being depressed situation.

(Personality Picture)
 
So, I downloaded “Bumble” (again.) It’s only been 10 hours but I’ve been having more success because I decided to put a personality picture up. And I feel like people who are cute are finally understanding me. Although, I feel no connection.

But I can’t find my ideal guy. I am looking for someone who is funny yet damaged. Cute but in like a nerdy way. and no kids. I want kids. But I will never date someone with kids again. It was my nightmare. But my own kids… I can deal with. Maybe because a little piece of me will be with them in a weird way? Idk why its just different. although I would be just as fine with adopting. (This is a lot of personal info)
 
Makes me feel like a sociopath. I can’t connect with people. Or if I think I’ve connected with someone… I am wrong. Which I base on absence and lack of communication. 
 
I’m not really sure what I need. 
 
I just don’t feel very motivated at all. Which is an internal problem. 
 
Just got a call that I’m closing on my condo on the 26th. 
 
I’m so “excited”.

This blog is all over the place but sometimes you just have let it out…

Its weird that its so easy for me to post something for a bunch of strangers to read.
But I will never be able to tell someone how I really feel about them.

a little strange…

Anyways I guess I love you and I hope things are getting better because this is exhausting …