The title of this blog is because I am drunk and I bought a case of my favorite Malbec. (and also because who among us doesn’t love some Sherlock Holmes. OPEN AND SHUT CASE WATSON. Get it? Am I over explaining this joke? Well then…)

For the past 48 hours I have been on a dating app called Bumble. Its been terrible the whole time. I found one cute guy. and the other guy that I thought was cute asked for a “riconic” relationship. Obviously, I asked what the hell that was because when I googled it to not seem like an idiot, nothing showed up. So I ended up looking like an idiot anyways (surprise!) And like a normal person, instead of just explaining it to me, he screen shot a definition from urban dictionary and sent it my way.  Basically, he is looking for the OPPOSITE of what a platonic relationship is. So platonic means Non-Sexual. RICONIC WOWZA. YOU CUTE BUT YOU NOT THAT CUTE MATTHEW.

At least he was upfront.
But I think he would shine best on Tinder.
I thought guys toned it down a little on Bumble but I’ve been wrong so many times how can one count anymore?

Then I thought about Lara-Jean from “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before.” Life would be so much easier if I just wrote a bunch of letters to the top 3 guys I had crushes on and they accidentally got sent out.

Since I am drunk, I figured, I would make the list & write the letters. ”

1. John Mulaney
2. Neal Brennan
3. Colin Jost

Enclosed in this blog are a bunch of love letters no one will read so whatever :

Dearest John Mulaney,

If you are looking for a throuple situation please consider me. At first I wanted to steal you all for myself. I connect with you on a personal level on my TV almost everyday. I like hearing your voice before I fell asleep every night. Your old-man outlook on life truly soothes my soul. I thought to myself: I need him all for myself.
Then, I met your wife. (I stalked her on the internet and am considering buying one of her fancy lamp shades or whatever) She is a treasure. Now I love you both…

At first, I was hesitant to engage in sexual relations with a girl who doesn’t shave her armpits…

But it has occurred to me, that I had already been exclusively fucking people who haven’t shaved their armpits this whole entire time. So what’s one more?

If your situation is ever looking for a third? I am VERRRRRY available.

xoxo,

Jacq.

Dear Neal Brennan,

You are a deeply  disturbed beautiful genius, Which I find insaneeeeeeeeeeeeely attractive . Because most people these days are so concerned with being positive and successful no one is ever really that honest or interesting. To me, you are probably one of the most relatable and brilliant stand ups ever. I am more depressed as of late and its kinda nice to just hear someone else … just like talking about it too. Just makes you feel a little less alone..

I went to Boston to see you for one night. There was a really annoying guy heckling you and you turned it around and basically started heckling him. If it were me I would’ve had an on stage meltdown.  But not you.

Your brain is very attractive to me. And I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am half-Asian. which means I am half your type.

🙂

xoxo

Jacq.

Dear Colin Jost,

Ooooooooooooo you sweet vanilla bean. You sexually awaken me, probably because your hair is so perfectly in place. I just want to ruin it .. in all the right ways…

One time, you did a set at Caroline’s in Times Square. I had nobody to go with. Like zero people to go with. I went on my lonesome. Like I took myself on a date. I bought myself nachos. Got myself good and drunk. I got there early so I would get good seats (eye level with your crotch… amazing… worth getting there two hours early)

As I recall, It was one of the best nights of my life (at least Top 10).

In a way you both taught me its nice to have someone to laugh with but also that you need to learn to love yourself too.

In addition to this, my dad loved you.

which is a plus to me. We would always fast forward SNL to weekend update.
We love watching you. because your a genius.

(hey group,
sorry if this lacks any sense. because not for nothing I am
STOP HAMMERTME MC HAMMER THINGS.)

______________________________________________________________

I guess the moral of this story is. If you are a comedy writer out there in the world IM VERY INTERESTED.
Doesn’t have to be SNL.

But thats clearly a favorite.

I am very drunk todau

and honestly so glad you got this farm.

I love you al

Pease Love and Arby’s Coffee